The Ontario government unveiled its highly anticipated plan to solve the problem of traffic congestion in the GTA: get rid of all roads.
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The Ontario government unveiled its highly anticipated plan to solve the problem of traffic congestion in the GTA: get rid of all roads.

At a press conference on Thursday, Premier Doug Ford unveiled the bold new plan, saying that the government had “tried everything else and nothing has worked, so why not just get rid of the roads altogether?”

“We’ve tried everything else, and nothing has worked,” said Ontario’s Minister of Transportation Caroline Mulroney. “We’ve added more lanes, we’ve tried traffic signals, we’ve even experimented with roundabouts. But the truth is, none of these solutions have made a dent in the problem. So we’ve decided to take a bold new approach: no more roads.”

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Government officials maintain that if there are no roads left to drive on, then you cannot get into traffic. Additionally, the government is exploring the possibility of implementing “personal flying devices,” which would allow individuals to fly over the city since no one will be able to drive.

“We know that this is a big change, but we believe it’s a change for the better,” said Mulroney. “With these cutting-edge technologies, we can finally say goodbye to traffic jams and hello to a more efficient and enjoyable way of getting around.”

However, not everyone is convinced that the plan will be a success. Critics have pointed out that the cost of tearing up every road in the city could be astronomical, and that there is no guarantee that it will actually solve the problem of traffic congestion.

“This is a ridiculous idea that is doomed to fail,” said NDP MPP Marit Stiles. “It’s not realistic to tear up all the roads and then replace them with a floating car system to resolve traffic congestion. The government needs to come up with a real plan that addresses the root causes of the problem.”

How the hell are we supposed to get around?

Trucking Company Owner

Transportation professionals as well as people with half a mind have criticized the plan, arguing that removing roads would be devastating for the economy. “This is a disaster waiting to happen,” said one trucking company owner. “You can’t prevent a house fire by knocking down your house. How the hell are we supposed to get around?”

Despite the criticism, the government remains confident that its plan will be a success. “We’re confident that the people of Ontario will embrace a province without roads,” said Ford. “We’re excited to see what the future holds for transportation in the GTA.”

In the meantime, commuters in the GTA are advised to find alternative modes of transportation while the roads are being torn up. In order to ensure that people can still get around, some experts propose that the government provide a tax credit for the purchase of a good pair of running shoes.

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Officials have not yet announced a timeline for when the new transportation system will be fully implemented, but it is expected to take several decades to complete. Until then, Ontarians can expect to see construction and disruption as the roads are torn up.

Despite the backlash, the government remains undeterred. “We’re confident that this plan will work,” said Mulroney. “We’re asking everyone to have a little faith and trust in us. And hey, if it doesn’t work, we can always sell the land to our rich developer buddies. But at least we’ll have given it a shot.”

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