In an unprecedented move, President Joe Biden declared war on gravity today, citing it as the root cause of all problems facing the United States.
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In an unprecedented move, President Joe Biden declared war on gravity today, citing it as the root cause of all problems facing the United States.

“Gravity has been a thorn in our side for far too long,” Biden announced at a press conference. “It’s time to take a stand and say enough is enough.”

The president went on to list a litany of problems he believes are caused by gravity, including falling objects, the difficulty of climbing stairs, and even the sinking feeling people get when they’re feeling down.

“Gravity is responsible for so many of the challenges we face as a nation,” Biden said. “But I’m here to tell you, we will not be held down any longer. We will rise up and defeat this insidious force once and for all.”

We will rise up and defeat this insidious force once and for all.

President Joe Biden

The declaration of war on gravity has been met with a mix of shock and disbelief, with many experts questioning the feasibility of such an ambitious plan.

“It’s clear that the president is not fully aware of the laws of physics,” said one scientist, who requested anonymity. “Trying to fight gravity is like trying to hold back the tide. It’s an impossible task.”

Despite the criticism, the president remains undeterred. “We have the smartest scientists and engineers in the world working on this problem,” he said. “I have full confidence in their ability to find a solution.”

As for how the war on gravity will be waged, details are still scarce. Some have speculated that the president may try to use anti-gravity technology, while others believe he may try to harness the power of dark matter to negate the effects of gravity.

Only time will tell how this war will play out, but one thing is certain: it’s going to be an uphill battle.

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